Have you ever been indoors before? As in, underneath a roof and between several walls? Do you understand what I mean by the word "sofa"?? I mean to say you look spooked, kid. Like you feel you don't belong here. I took this to mean you'd lived your entire life outdoors among the daffodils. No need to get snippy with me.
First thing you should know, I guess, is that demons make terrible wing men. You'd think they'd crush it they're very charismatic when they try to coerce you into letting them free once you've summoned them. But it turns out when you force them into a larger social setting they just kind of shut down and don't read any of the lines you gave them to help you make a better impression with the local hottie. I know it's a shame! So I thought I'd rip that bandaid off right away.
Second thing is to collect your sweat. Genuinely as much as you can possibly get. Like I wouldn't say you need to go out of your way to sweat more just for the sake of collecting it, but you definitely should be keeping all the sweat you just happen to produce. It just really comes in handy down the line for if your air conditioning breaks down. Sweat cools down the body, right? So if you've got a big bank of the stuff you can cool down way faster. Trust me every wizard has gotta keep like at least a gallon of the stuff near your desk. You'll thank me.
Last I think just try to be careful about how many ingredients you get off ebay.
They're not always the quality you'd like. They've got a pretty robust rating system
so if they're well rated and there are like other wizards in their reviews sure give a shot
but for bigger items like ancient tree branches or caged hell whales you really should
be buying local. I know! I know it's kind of a hassle to walk all the way down your tower
but no one makes sure hell whales are tormented like Jim that lives in the pit, you know? Jim
that lives in the pit puts a lot of attention into the craft. And if you give him
the offer code WET VIBES he'll get you 10% off your first purchase. What?
I mean, yeah I get a kick back from that but trust me Jim that lives in the pit is
an institution like I was already using him before he decided to sponsor me it's not like
weird or anything.
the door locking spell “warvamliun taskipiloo dariohazaerdium” is gonna stop being supported by Grimoire tech. The thirty year old spell has functioned exactly as it’s supposed to for thirty good years, and Grimoire tech has year after year updated the spell to keep up with modern social justice sensibilities, but attention has turned to the instruction manual they’ve been including with every download. The spell with over one million gazes on orb facebook has begun to draw some flack for what some are describing as a “horrifically racist and backwards instruction manual”. Which while that sounds like it would actually be fine, it is in fact worse than you’d expect.
Grimoire is responding to this outrage by sunsetting the old spell entirely. Starting October 1st you’ll no longer be able to cast warvamliun taskipiloo dariohazaerdium, and attempts to do so will infect your orb with ghosts. Grimoire tech is then launching the new spell “Wankeep novo ilun daskiwoto empythonstack dunilaronson” which will cost you a little more in terms of tortured demon whale soul, but they say will open a few more locks at once than was previously possible with warvamliun taskipiloo dariohazaerdium.
And basically I think this is a load of crap. There’s nothing wrong with the old spell at all. It works fine right now and it is only costing them more in spellpower to pass through this god update into everyone’s wizard towers. It’s ridiculous! Grimoire’s Prime Response Wizard Tip Mack has said it’s to “save on casting costs”, but the new spell actively costs more merlins?! What’s the deal with that Tip Mack? Is every wizard tower but mine overflowing with loose merlins!? If you’re anything like me you plan the energy levels of your tower to the millimerlin. That’s the joy of this entire field??? And now you’re telling us that the spell to open the frickin door has to cost as much as the spell to scry with my friend in Rochester???? Because this isn’t about saving you merlins and it isn’t about nuking an entire product because the instruction manual was racist. It’s because Grimoire is always completely bending over backwards to kiss the boots of THE TERRIBLE ONES. And every year they find reasons to sap more and more merlins out of your heart of hearts. Remember when gazing into an orb was cheap enough to walk around with? CUZ IT REALLY FEELS LIKE WE’RE SUPPOSED TO HAVE FORGOTTEN THAT. So I’m saying. F**** Grimoire. Go to your first spellbook right now that’s right the “introduction to practice and theory” one that’s bright red and that everyone was given at thirteen when you realized you were transgender and that has a goofy cartoon dinosaur on the cover. Open it up to page 6,155,002 and you’ll see BAM a rudimentary spell that will unlock just about any door you’ll realistically come into contact with. Yes it takes a few more components, but they’re affordable. And they don’t perpetuate Gnome income inequality because oh yeah GRIMOIRE IS STEALING YOUR MAGIC POWER TO CREATE A GNOME CIVIL WAR.
